Friday, 9 August 2013

Dear Self

What she said was, if a grown ass woman wants to eat herself to death with a bag of chips why should I interfere? Eat herself to death... you have thought this same thing many times... and yet you still eat the things you know you shouldn't. Hoping I suppose that the vegetables and fruit you eat will be enough to offset the damage you are doing to yourself.

Really??? If you think about it, I mean really think about it you know this is just a lie you tell yourself, like the many others you make up to cover your own fears and excuse behaviors in yourself you wouldn't accept in others.

Telling the lies is bad enough but you know you actually believe what you tell yourself right then and there. And even if you don't you continue following this path to self destruction because it just seems too hard to change. Face it, your daughter is lazy and she gets it from you. She has low self-esteem because she learned it from you. Everything you complain about in your daughter originated in a personal behaviour or reaction of your own.

So stop being such a dolt! You know what you need to do... you have known for years... so why don't you do it?

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You set out to kill yourself a long time ago. You couldn't do it the conventional ways so you decided to take this longer route. Longer but just as deadly, what's more even if occasionally you forgot it, this was a deliberate choice. Something happened and you decided "I want to die but I can't seem to kill myself in one of the quick ways so I'll eat myself to death.

When did you make this choice? Do you remember? The day the man you thought loved you tried to sell you to a family just as backward as the one you came from? Before that, the day the light died in your heart and you became a mental punching bag? Before that maybe or maybe later? When did you decide that you would rather die by inches than keep going strong and fighting for your right to exist?

Perhaps the day your mother died and you decided that you were at fault? You pulled the catheter to make sure it was strongly attached and made a scratch that the infection could use to get into your mother's bloodstream. Twenty-four hours later she was dead and you knew your carelessness caused it. You spent the first few years after trying to drink yourself to death, when that didn't work you began to eat yourself to death. The doctor wasn't clear in his warning, you thought it was the alcohol messing up your liver but it turned out it was that stuff called fat.

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Do you know how close to the edge of life your are... do you even care? What happened to all that talk about seeing your great-grandchildren come into this world? That goal got lost somewhere, like so many other things.

A loss of 20 lbs will help you a lot, a loss of 100 lbs means that you could live longer than your father did and it also means you would be in considerably less pain on a daily basis. Is the slow death really worth suffering from the amount of pain you deal with every day? Is is worth it to not be able to sleep on your back or stomach anymore? Is is worth not being able to wipe yourself without getting a knot in your abdomen muscles? Is it worth not feeling clean and still avoiding the shower or bath because it hurts to clean yourself?

Is it really worth all this suffering to reach death by inches when you could be living and loving being alive instead of dreading every day? Do you really like your life the way it is now?

  • You don't go out because you don't want to look at all those slim people who look at you as if you are a zoo animal? 
  • You don't work because the work you want to do requires you to fit in a two foot space and maneuver around other people quickly and easily and your body is too unwieldy for that! 
  • You don't run and play with your grandson's for more than a minute or two because it hurts too much and you get out of breathe easily! 
  • You hardly see your other two grand-daughters because just the thought of climbing that block up a hill is just too much work! 
  • You want to join all kinds of groups but you don't because you don't want other people to see you struggle moving around the mass you call a body.
  • You can't wear the clothes you would love to wear because they don't come in your size.
Think about it! Is this really the way you want to continue or would you like to break the cycle? Would you like to be relatively pain-free, stop being ashamed of being seen in public, wear the kind of clothes you love rather than what fits?

If the answer is yes then you know what you have to do.

Sincerely
Me